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But when you silently withdraw from your partner or issue angry threats, you can start a disastrous spiral of retaliation. Other researchers have found that when partners are separately asked to ponder aspects of their relationship, they spend much more time contemplating the bad than the good. To get through the bad stuff, you need to stop the negative spiral before it begins.
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This may take more imagination. Your soul soars, your heart sings, and your brain is awash in oxytocin, dopamine, and other neurochemicals associated with love. The full, unromantic name is Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships.
These couples, in central Pennsylvania, were interviewed during their first two years of marriage by psychologists who cataloged both the positive and negative aspects of the relationships. Some of the people were already ambivalent or hostile toward their partners—and tended to get divorced quickly—but most couples showed lots of mutual affection and went on to celebrate several anniversaries.
Over the long haul, though, those tender early feelings were not a reliable harbinger.
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As a group, those who of had been a third more affectionate during the early years than the ones who went on to have long, happy marriages. It was how they dealt with the negative stuff—their doubts, their frustrations, their problems—that predicted whether the marriage would survive.
Negativity hits young people especially hard, which is one reason that people who marry earlier in life are more likely to divorce than ones who delay marriage. Another reason is that younger people tend to have less money, which means more stress.
Some couples, of course, are better off splitting up, but far too many of them sabotage a relationship that could have worked. Researchers who track couples have repeatedly dor puzzled to see relationships destroyed even when there are no obvious causes. To test a theory, the psychologists Sandra Murray and John Holmes brought couples into a lab and gave them questionnaires to be filled out at tables arranged so that the partners sat with their backs to each other.
In fact, though, the questionnaires were different. They could list as ro traits as they wanted, but were told it was fine to name just one.
They typically wrote down one or two things about their partners that were less than ideal, and then they put down their pens. Perfect for all hot and cold drinks.
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