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Every time I hear a woman vehemently preach against the idea of the office romance, I take a long, hard look at her. And 9 times out naving 10, this woman is leading a boring, dismal life that I wouldn't want to lead anyway. What the hell do you expect? I'm going to Europe, the Swingihg. of the unapologetic fierce female. I'm practicing, OK? Kittens, rules are meant to be broken, especially when it comes to matters of sex and love. Plus, we all know that crushes make life more fun. Work sucks, and having a little bit of sexual excitement in the office will only make your dull life better.

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I like to think about it like this: When I'm a year-old spinster ridden with liver spots but still looking fab in head-to-toe Chanel, DUHwill I look back on doing sinful things, like screwing my co-worker, with remorse and regret? Hell no! Why yes, I think we do, thankyouverymuch. So stop listening to boring chicks lecturing you about how much of your bagel you should scoop out, what barre class you need to be taking and whom you should be crushing on.

I support you. Get over the whole guilt thing.

Here is my 7-step no-fail guide. Otherwise, Debbie from the third floor who already hates your guts is going to spread rumors like wildfire, and the next thing you know, the bitch from HR will be calling you in for a meeting.

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I don't want that for you. So just don't tell anyone, you hear? And please, please beware of happy hour. It will always lead to you revealing your work crush, and somehow it will get back to Debbie. Also, secrets are Cky SEXY.

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Your crush will be amplified if you keep it strictly to yourself. It will add a whole other element of sin, and what's sexier than sin? Think of it as a challenge which will add another element of sexiness to your work crush, because challenges get us hot.

I say go a little fetishy with your "business casual. Go dressed in character of the sexy business archetype. It drives both men and women wild I don't know how the hell you swing, and I don't care. Business women are HOT, whether you're gay, straight, bi or questioning.

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Instead of wearing sensible flats, put on a coy kitten heel. And haven't we already established that secrets are sexy? For my ladies into more "masculine" style, you need to dress like a powerful business woman who may or may not moonlight as a dominatrix on the weekend. I'm talking full suit that's perfectly tailored to your hot body. It will drive both men and women totally bonkers, and will surely catch the attention of your office crush.

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Step 3: Send bitchy e-mails. We all know that there are scary corporate forces monitoring everything we do on our work laptops, so you need to proceed with caution here. However, there is a very subtle way to flirt via that will totally havng over the undersexed Swingkng. from corporate who sit around all day trolling employee s. The way to do it is to start by being really harsh.

We all have a hidden fantasy of being taken advantage of by a bossy co-worker, right? Or is that just me? Anyway, your office crush in a very over-the-top and curt style. Trust me, Rob will be like, "Who does this bitch think she is, bossing me around!?

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He will slowly become intrigued. Then, start throwing him ahving bones Oh, and thank you for the fax yesterday Your subtle validation will be addictive. It's the perfect way to manipulate someone into having a crush on you.

I'm not saying this is morally right. But hey, you're the one with the sinful office crush, and I'm a notorious sin enabler.

That ship has sailed. Step 4: Lightly brush up against him or her. Since you've been dressing sexy and sending out bitchy s, you're already halfway to the bedroom. Well done. I'm so proud of your scandalous progress. Now it's time to amp up the game a little. If you're nervous, just pretend you took a tequila shot. I do that Swingung.

the time when I have social anxiety. You need to "accidentally" brush up against her. Then, you must say, "Oh sorry, I didn't see you there! And she will be left with the lingering sensation of your body lightly pressed up against hers for the rest of the day.

Works like a charm. Step 5: Go for after-work drinks. You're finally ready for the after-work drink.

This havingg lead you perfectly into the next step Step 6: Have sex with him or her. We all know what after-work drinks le to. Preferably in your crush's apartment, not yours, because you still want to maintain an air of mystery. Don't act all awkward and flirtatious in the office. That's annoying, and your crush will only feel embarrassed.

Be sure to loudly ignore your crush in the office from that point forward. It will add to a longer-lasting affair.

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And that's the ultimate goal right? Explosive sex? Of course it is.

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